Happy enough to care

So here is my tally for today: 

• Ate: 947 calories (2 protein shakes, Turkey and broccoli)
• Burned: 112 calories
• Net consumed 835

I'm feeling great about resisting 2 opportunities to have cookies. (yay!!)
Also I worked out using the Biggest Loser on Kinect for Xbox . It was actually a pretty good workout. Much harder than I expected.  Burned 112 calories.

The hardest thing for me to do is accept that my body doesn't do things the way I think it should. For example, in my fitter days, I could do lunges and go all the way to the ground. Well today, not so much.  I'll get there again.

So something clicked. I'm not sure exactly what it was, but there definitely was a click.  I'm sure that thin people look at fat people and wonder how or why did they let themselves get fat.  Well fat people wonder too. I sure did. However , while I wondered , I wasn't concerned enough to make a change. Eating something bad for me (like a cookie or piece of cake) was almost like having an out of body experience. It was me but in my head I wasn't really present. I knew it was a poor choice but I distanced myself from the choice and the present.  This is beyond denial...it is lying to myself.  I also think I seek food at a pleasurable experience because sometimes with all of the demands of my life, I don't have many pleasurable experiences.   Of course I love my family and I'm grateful to have a good job but I don't feel like I experience pleasure every day. Food sometimes fills that void.  

So what clicked?  Well I just made the decision that I'm tired of living and looking this way. I'm tired of the embarrassment of seeing someone from my fitter days and knowing that they are thinking ""OMG what happened to her"" .  Losing weight takes a mental readiness that I don't think I had this last year. I think I'm finally feeling happy enough with myself to care about my health.  

10 lb challenge..it's on!

What do you do when you are challenged? You take in on !
Hubby challenged me to a contest to see who could lose 10lbs first. The reward is a full 1hour massage at a local spa. I'm excited but I know that once he gets in his groove, 10lbs will fall off of him so easily.

I will have to resort to a little trickery;). I will make his favorite foods and offer up sweets .

In order for me to be successful, I will need to drink at least 1/2 a gallon or more of water per day and track daily.

Bring it on!

850 calories

So I am spending this week in Tampa to assist my mom. Just when I thought my mom was young and independent, wham - she gets surprise news that she has the "c" word. While the prognosis is good, it definitely makes you pause. It has been a time of reflection for all the things that we are grateful for. Also a time to think about how we take care of our bodies (or more correctly our temples). She and I have discussed how she needs to change her lifestyle WHEN (not if) she gets through this . Just staying with her made me realize how much of an effort it is to eat healthy. She shops for convenience and costs. So that means things that are often not fresh but frozen, and more starches/carbohydrates than veggies. We discussed how that needs to change -as well as how her lifestyle needs to change. I convinced her, that even in her condition, it is good to get out for a little walk.

I've also had a chance to do a little reflecting of my own. My tendency to turn to food for comfort is totally misguided and absolutely detrimental to my health. Well duh ... I knew that but I just was not listening. I need to listen and I will.

One of the highlights of my week was reaching out to John Ratey, the author of SPARK -the wonderful book about the connection between exercise and the brain. Well he wrote me back ! I was so excited. More to come on that at a later time- but let's just say that I am listening to my inner voice.

So far this week - I've had calorie deficits each day. yesterday my workout burned 850 calories in 75 minutes -- good stuff.
Today - I also ended with a deficit even though I ate a bunch of peanuts.

Tomorrow for Thanksgiving, I think it will be low key as well. It is likely that mom will have no appetite, so she and I will probably watch movies or something. I bought some of my favorite Kashi cereals - so I am set. Who says you need to have turkey on Thanksgiving. I am planning to have cereal and popcorn

Rock solid

What does it take for me to be rock solid in my commitment to clean eating and consistent exercise.

Rock solid and unwavering?
Even in the face of challenges that might propel me into emotional eating?

Rock solid - even in the face of finding out one of your loved ones has cancer?

Rock solid - through challenges at home?

Rock solid through challenges at work?

Rock solid - through traveling and busy schedules?

The answer is that it takes rock solid strength of mind and self love. This allows me to focus my attention on not on how bad the problems are and how I need comfort, but more focused on how healthy I need to be in order to deal with the challenges. I focus on how my clean eating and exercise is not just about weight loss or training. It is about me being the best I can be.

I've struggled a bit over the last few weeks through all of these challenges but I'm feeling much more rock solid lately.

Handle it....one day at a time

Some people are sensitive to caffeine, other to nitrates, some are even sensitive to red dye #14. I am sensitive to endorphin induced serotonin. Working out is like a drug. Spin class in particular, makes me a little high. It is somewhat of a spiritual experience for me. The woman that starts spin is not the same woman that finishes. Some time between minute 15 and minute 20, I transform from a struggling person who would rather be in the bed, to a strong athlete who feels like she can do anything. I begin the class saying give me strength, by the end of class I'm saying bring it on! What I like most about spin class is that you can make it as hard as you can handle. And handle it I do.

One of my favorite spin instructors would always say "It won't be easy...handle it". Growth happens during the toughest part of the class - when you are working the hardest. I repeat that phrase often - during spin class and at other times. The fact is, very few things are easy - and if they are it means there is no growth. Whether it is finishing spin class, staying motivated to finish my book, working through relationship challenges or work related issues.. It is not easy. My task is to handle it.

So I've been thinking about my need to have a big goal. I've decided that I don't want a big goal right now. Staying consistent and on track - one day at a time... is a big enough goal right now.

Don't think about it, Be about it/ Brick hair

I almost thought my way out of it...but I didn't.

I woke up refreshed and alert at exactly 4:10am. When I looked at the clock, the first thing I thought was wow this is early enough for a swim before spin. I went through the required motions in my head : go to closet find bathing suit, put bathing suit on, pack bag, be sure to grab good goggles, grab cycling shoes, don't forget extra underwear, grab hair stuff , get big bag to accommodate hair stuff .

After thinking it through , I decided to go for it. But before getting out of the bed, I had to think through it again... and exactly what would I do. Would I do swimming drills or endurance- just swim laps? Would I run after spin -to make it a true brick? Well after 10 minutes of thinking, I decided that if I didn't get up I would think myself out of working out. This is exactly why autopilot works for me. If not, I over think everything. Just get my butt out of bed and go put on my bathing suit, grab my stuff and leave....as quickly as possible. Don't think about it... be about it.

The hair .....
so my 1 week old relaxer is still quite lovely. I'm missing the ease of braids, but I am glad that hubby is happy. Funny - I never knew he didn't like the braids while I had them :)
So I put conditioner on my dry hair and then put on my swimming cap. This is said to protect the hair from the chlorine.

The swim...
Good not great. I am learning that for almost everything, I need a warm up of roughly 10 minutes before I get my stride. I swam for 40 minutes but the first 10 were tough. I had trouble getting my rhythm. I felt really winded after a few laps. Then it kicked in and I felt like I could swim all day (slowly of course). I still have a ways to go before I feel completely ready for Danskin.

The hair...
So I ran upstairs to get ready for 6am spin...took off the swim cap, towel dried and put on a baseball cap and a scrunchie.

Spin...
I worked really hard today. I pushed my resistance as high as I could maintain. Josh poured it on today and the music really kept me going . He played a little mix of Rihanna, Beyonce, Sean Paul, Bon Jovi...definitely better than 60 minutes of trance. My quads were burning and I was certainly reaching my upper limits of heart rate zones. My target heart rate is much higher than what the charts say (165 vs 140) and today I was pretty close to 188 on some of the climbs. But it felt good and I feel like I am getting stronger. One great tip I learned -- is to add hovering to my standing work. Hovering is when I am in an aero positioning and my bottom is hovering over the seat without touching it. This is an excellent way to fire up the quads, glutes and hamstrings without using the momentum that can come from standing.

The elliptical....
I decided to do the elliptical -- because all of the good treadmills were taken and I didn't feel like walking downstairs. I did 15 minutes of high intensity (165-180 rpm, level 6) running on the elliptical. For the last 2 minutes I cranked it up to 200 at level 2.

The hair
I washed and conditioned, and slicked it back into a ponytail. It worked and I think the pre swim conditiner helped minimize damage/dryness . Products used: Giovanni direct leave in conditioner . Thanks Michele --it works like a charm!

So all in all , my first brick went well. Nutrition and energy were a bit tough though. I didn't eat much during the day (1 protein shake and 1 protein bar) and had a slight binge when I got home-- but on all good stuff..egg whites and grilled chicken, and toast. I also had a wonderful 100 calorie desert (1/2 cup of whipped cream sprinkled with shaved almonds). The only downside to the day was that I ran out of energy pretty early. In fact needed to take long, long nap after work .

A parting gift , a brick or shall I say a pebble

So today was my first brick. To be honest - it was really a pebble ...not quite a brick.

My favorite spin instructor taught her last class today before heading out on maternity leave. She decided to give us a parting gift... a killer workout . High resistance + high cadence = torture. I wore my hr monitor and after 61 minutes , it said I'd burned 1097 calories...and boy did I feel it. I was soaking during and after the class. I felt really good about working that hard. Since Danskin is in less than 45 days, I need to really cram in order to be ready. Cramming for a triathlon -- what an insane concept. So basically I'm trying to cram in a bunch of training time in order to feel good about my effort at the triathlon. I have accepted that I probably won't beat my time from last year, but I'm ok with that. What I'm not okay with is giving anything less than 110%. That means from this moment on -- the heat is on.

So today - my first brick equalled 61 minutes of spin class and a 20 minute run. Tonight I will do weights. Tomorrow run + weights in the day and swim at night. Friday brick --- swim, bike, run.

Bring it on!!!! I think I'm ready...

It still counts...

So today I forced myself out of bed and made it over to spin class. I wasn't looking forward to the it because Friday is hill climb day - and I just wasn't up to it. When I arrived at class and saw a new teacher, I wasn't sure what to think. Did she know today was hill climb day? Would she be hard/easy? The folks in the class seemed a bit mesmerized by her. She was tall, blond with a strong Danish accent . Both her voice and demeanor were very gentle.... unfortunately so was the class. While I wasn't looking forward to a hard hill climb, I wasn't ready for a ride in the park. Don't get me wrong, spin is totally user controlled. The effort/difficulty is totally based on how much the user pushes the resistance and cadence. It wasn't that I was slacking off, it is just that she didn't push us that hard. It's all good, though. After all , an easy workout is better than no workout at all.
It still counts.

Find something to feel good about

Day 2 of getting back on the spin wagon. Wednesday's used to be my favorite day because of the intense endurance work and the lasting endorphin rush. Today I was more anxious than excited. I knew wasn't as concerned about my cardio endurance as I was my muscle endurance. I know that even at 13lbs heavier, I am still pretty fit (from a cardiovascular perspective). The problem however was my muscle endurance. The last 3 months of inactivity has caused a serious reduction in muscle tone and endurance , no doubt. So I sat on the bike - ready to go as far as my body would take me. In my head I told myself to go hard but i was prepared to take off resistance if I needed to.

But I didn't.

I pushed and pushed and felt my quads and glutes burn with pain. At one point I yelled out - because it was so tough. I wasn't alone - the instructor was pouring it on today. As usual- she is very motivating and always manages to squeeze in some little line that keeps me going. Today the line was "I know your legs are on fire - they should be, but find something to feel good about. Your breathing, your posture- the fact that you are here". That was it for me: Find something to feel good about. I thought about it and started to acknowledge the things I felt good about - the fact that I had gotten my butt out of bed; that my bike pants still fit ; that spin class actually works both with bike riding and losing weight. That phrase was enough to sustain me through the rest of the 60 min of torture- without letting up on the resistance.

I should certainly apply this phrase to other areas of my life - perhaps it will get me through too.

10 per minute

I woke up at 5 am and put myself on autopilot in order to get to the gym by 5:25. The meant that I had exactly 55 minute to workout in order to get back home in order for hubby to be on time. What do I do when i have exactly 55 minutes to spend at the gym. 1) Don't talk to anyone for too long 2) don't linger in the locker room and 3) be as efficient as possible. To be efficient need to make sure that I'm burning on average 10 calories per minute. When spinning I can get closer to 12-15, but generally speaking 10 is what I shoot for with most cardio. If I can get close with strength training - then I know I'm being efficient.

Today I used 55 minutes in a very wise way. I did a cardio weight workout and topped it off with a quick sprint. A key principle when I do weights is to make sure that I'm making it a cardio session by not resting between sets. 10 seconds on the low side and 30 on the high side. This keeps it as cardio workout ..meaning that my heart rate stays in the target zone at 70% max, the entire time. I also try to employ a combination approach by working 2 muscle groups during each set..for example doing squats in between bicep curl/shoulder presses as one set. Finally I don't count reps .. I do until fatigue. If I get past 12 reps, then I know I need to increase the weight. So that was my workout today. I finished it up with a 1 mile sprint as fast as I could maintain.

Calories burned 525

Food
Very good - egg beaters for breakfast 100c.
chicken breast and squash for lunch 400
Apple and peanut butter for snack 160
Chicken breast and veggie soup for dinner 500
NO CHOCOLATE :)
1160c

Obsession or Awareness

So I caught a few minutes of the Today show this morning and the topic was on Women and their bodies. The guests were talking about how it was time for women to stop obsessing over their bodies and just start loving themselves. It made me think about whether or not I obsess over my body . I will admit, I can be a little neurotic about the scale since I weigh myself daily- and I freak out over anything more than a 2lb gain. Hubby thinks I'm a little obsessed about the scale.
I don't think I am obsessed at all - at least not with my body. On the other hand - I am incredibly aware - which is what works for me. I need to stay aware because I have been obese for a good part of my adult life and I don't want to go back. If weighing myself daily and freaking out over a few pounds is what it takes for me to stay on track -- so be it. I am however, obsessed about my fitness. I'm not obsessed about my body - however I really loving the wardrobe options that I have now.

While I am not obsessed with my body, I do believe I am obsessed with my fitness--really obsessed. It is important for me to be not just healthy - but ultra fit. I want to be able to really push my aerobic endurance, strength and recovery rate. I think obsession in this area is totally fine.

Workout - nothing - rest day
Food: 1350 c

Handle it

Got to the gym just about 15 minutes before spin class. That was just enough time to do a quick ab work out - then head over to class. Wednesdays are always endurance rides - which means we have to ride at a pretty tough resistance for the entire 60minutes- no intervals and no rests. This can be pretty hard - if I kick up the resistance. During this time I have to really focus - not complain or think about stopping - I have to just handle it. In order for me to really bring it, I need really great music. So I brought my own music - (Podrunner: cruise control 175bpm) . Sometimes I feel bad doing this -- but I do what I have to do to maximize my workout.

I finished class and then did arms and a quick 1 mile on the elliptical. I got home and I was exhausted. I wanted to go back to sleep but I went on with my day. I eventually got a big endorphin rush .

Calorie burn from exercise : 1050

Food:

• Access bar -- before working out-- these are supposed to be patented nutrition bars known for accelerating fat burn. 180c
• Coffee (155)
• Lunch:Lentils and Naan 375c
• Dinner: Homeade crabcake and stringbeans (380c)
• snacks - 4 miniatures 350c

1440 total

While it snowed, I ran

Rain in Seattle is quite normal. Snow - not so much.
At appx 5:10am, while I was on my way to the gym, it started to snow. At first a few flurries , then it started to come down. I knew it wouldn't last long - nor would it accumulate, but it was kind of nice to watch while it lasted.

I got to the gym and with plans to work out for 1 hour and 10minutes of pure cardio. I immediately jumped on the treadmill (without thinking- waiting for minute 13) and began to run. I planned to run 1 mile at a comfortable pace and then hop off and do the elliptical. Well I got to 1 mile and felt like I could do more. I did. I ended up running 2 1/2 miles at 4.9mph. Slow as molasses - but I did it and felt great. I'm not motivated to run fast right now, I'm just happy to be running , period.

On the elliptical - I had no mercy on myself. 30 minutes of the most intense "running" I could stand. Level 10 again and then down to level 1 . I reached a cadence of 224. Why am I so crazy about the elliptical? Here is why (and it is a very sad reason). It is a form of fun for me. It is the closest I come to dancing and fun. I have my jamming music, headphones, fast movement - surrounded by sweaty people -- the closest I will come to a club .

Rocking the bike......

Workout:
Arrived at gym at 5:20. Did 30 minutes of intense strength training. 30 second rests between 4 sets of heavy leg circuit to fatigue. Then arms , then abs. I was speeding through the workout so that I could rush upstairs and make it to spin class.

Monday spin is a pretty popular class so it was packed . I was excited about spin because this would be the 3rd time taking the class since my surgery. The first time was awesome, but the second time was pretty painful and I only made it through 30 minutes. I figured my quads were not quite strong enough back then. Anyway - today was awesome. I felt like I was back. It was so amazing. My quads were on fire during the climbs but I pushed it and stayed with it. I was also able to push my cadence to 112 during the speed sessions. Not quite 120s like before but I'll get there.

After spin - I did 20 minutes of elliptical . I tried something new this time-- level 10 with a low incline. This is great for quads .

Food:
Shake for breakfast 290c
veggie stir fry for lunch 510c
Salmon quesadilla for dinner (found great 80c wraps) 580c

Subtotal: 1380
The problem: 240 c of chocolate miniatures :(

Total : 1620
Luckily I burned 1100 with exercise.....

Motivation happens at minute 13

What doesn't work: thinking my way to the gym. Sometimes I lay in the bed awake, trying to get the motivation to get up and get dressed. For every good reason - I can think of a reason why I should stay in the warm bed. Every thought from the weather, to the day of the week , to my knees, come up as valid reasons to stay put.

What works-- go on autopilot. Don't expect positive thinking to propel me to workout. The best thing to do is just do it. Don't think. I mean it. I don't think - I just act. I remove all thoughts from my mind and I just move my body.

For me - Motivation happens at minute 13 - after I start working out. Minutes 1-12 can sometimes be pretty horrible. But by minute 13, I'm feeling good. I am motivated to keep going not just today but forever. I have accepted that motivation happens after I get started. It makes it easier to go on autopilot.

Today I ran . I ran slowly - but I ran 1 1/2 miles . I was not motivated to run-- I just did it. When I was done, I was motivated to run again in the evening.

Focus on what I can do

The plan:

 

Go to gym – workout the parts that are working well -Abs and Arms. Focus not on what I can’t do, Focus on what I can do.

 

By planning to focus on what works – I felt really good going in. I felt in control and ready for a good workout.

 

The result:

 

Not only did I work out the working parts, I got on  the bike – just for fun. Guess what – 10 minutes of full cycling . I almost screamed for joy when my leg completed a full rotation on the bike.  I was sooo happy.

 

Then – feeling very badaxx , I jumped on the treadmill to see what I could do.  I did a little jogtype walking thing at 3.2 (woo hoo) .

 

The amazing thing is that at 3 weeks post surgery despite swelling, atrophy, pain etc., running (or whatever I was doing) feels better now than it has for the past 6 months.  I just may get the other leg done after all.

 

  

No Excuses -- with a limp

As a proud pollyanna (one who always thinks positively - sometimes to my own detriment), it is hard for me to swallow the thought that I might not heal quickly. Or that I might not be able to do 75 mile bike ride in May or a Triathlon in June. It is super hard to accept that I might not be running by Christmas . But as each day passes - and I realize that while I am slowly recovering , I may have accept it.

But I don't plan on taking it lying down.

I have decided to be a bit more aggressive with my recovery- more movement, aggressive PT.
Aggressive strength training on all my parts that ARE working (other leg, arms ,abs). There is no reason why I should not be able to develop killer abdominals. Or why my arms should not be incredibly toned. Or why I should slack off on my eating (of course a few slices of holiday sweet potato pie notwithstanding:)

Back to no excuses!

Key Learnings

• Work life balance is an action verb- not a destination. Sometimes my thinking is off in that I aspire to get to a better work/life balance- but I approach it as more of a journey. More time with family and friends, more time doing things I love , more time hanging out - not feeling pressured to do something, more time reading the books in my "to read" basket, More time decorating, etc, etc. What I realized over the last 10 days (as my life was turned topsy turvy), is that I will never get to the proverbial ideal state of balance. I must look at balance literally not figuratively. Balance is what you do - not where you get. Every action I take, every project I start, every trip I take is adding weight to one side of my "scale" . I must treat my balance objectives as if I'm standing in the middle of a seesaw and literally balancing . I must be strong enough withhold the weight of each side and I must constantly monitor what is on each side so that I don't get out of balance. I must constantly (daily) check my calendar to ensure that I am spending the right time in the right places. I must constantly evaluate previous weeks and adjust future weeks in order to stay in balance.

• I am fearless - except when it comes to surgery. I am not afraid of many things...but for some reason this surgery is freaking me out. My doctor added to my fear. I called him last week - almost ready to chicken out. He says he is more afraid of what will happen if I don't get the surgery. He said my tendon could possibly become completely detached. He also said I will experience some level of muscle atrophy and I should look to be walking in 10 days- with crutches. I have never been sick or hospitalized so I'm a little afraid of being down. I am really afraid of gaining weight after the surgery. I'm trying to think positive about this but I'm not quite in the right state of mind.

• If you set a 30 day challenge for your friends, you need to stick to it yourself. I don't know what is going on but I'm afraid I've been teetering on falling off the wagon. I don't know what it is but my workouts have been really weak. I've had some really great days and a few not so great days. Since speaking my doctor I've been a little afraid about working out too much. Plus - my knees have been hurting - perhaps this is psychosomatic? Maybe I'm bringing it on. My nutrition has been a little on the brink -- inconsistent. Some days were great - some days I had too many carbs -- bread + pasta.

I have to get my mind right -- because I don't want this surgery to be the event that leads to a me gaining the weight back. I want to look at this and be proud that I didn't allow surgery and recovery to impact my resolve. I want to return to triathlons next year faster and stronger. I need to work on my mind game ...I'm not there yet.

No Excuses -- hair and all

Yesterday – I saw Melisha.  Now Melisha is not just any hairstylist, she is the most in demand hairstylist on the Eastside of Seattle. She is usually booked for weeks – even months and it took me 1 month of waiting before I was able to see her.  How was she?  Very good. When I left – my hair looked shiny and sleek and it was bouncing and behaving.  My daughter even commented when I got home that my hair looked beautiful.  And beautiful it was. 

 

So the 30 day challenge that I made yesterday morning was weighing on my mind as I sat in the chair getting the final flat iron smoothing.  As I sashayed out of the salon ( 60 dollars lighter), with the wind blowing through my tresses, I thought… I can’t possibly take spin tomorrow and sweat this out.

 

No Excuses – hair and all.

Well – this morning I got up and headed for the gym. Already accepting that I would have less than 24 hours of perfect hair and that I all but wasted my time and money at the salon.  

 

Today’s class was intense and wonderfully hard. Of the 60 minute class, we spent  45 minutes of straight hill climbing with no recoveries. And my clothes and hair had all the sweat to prove it.  When I was done I did a quick arm and ab workout and then dashed home to take the kids to school.  When I left the gym – my hair was a wreck.

 

The amazing thing is that when I got home , my hair was dry and actually looked quite good. By the time I got dressed – it still  looked pretty good.   All in all – I did nothing at all and it looked quite pretty good.  So yesterday wasn’t a total waste – in fact my hair is still bouncing and behaving.  And best of all – I am on track with my 30 day challenge…   

 

Although I think it might be too easy and  I need to add “lose 6 lbs” to my challenge.

 

J

I wanted more

So I’m trying to determine my 40th birthday celebration. I have a 8 months to go until the big day. Here is what I’m considering: ½ ironman in Florida, 5 sprint triathlons; a weekend at the spa with my girlfriends. I am thinking that my celebration will be long and extended. In fact – I may celebrate the entire year..once a month. I do know that the theme will be Forty, Fit and Fabulous. I’ll get it together in the next few weeks and then send out save the dates .

Today’s spin class was nothing short of torturous. Janelle – the instructor told us up front that it was the workout that she hated most but it was necessary. I’ve been on the road for the last week so I wasn’t sure if I was up for such a tough ride. It was all high cadence , high resistance drills. For me it was brutal and wonderful at the same time. It was super hard and my quads and glutes were on fire. But surprisingly when it was over, I wanted more. I could have probably gone another hour. I was really wishing it was a 2 hour class.

Food – well my Treo is broken and therefore I’m not meal tracking. I am may have to use paper or Fitday but I love the portability of my Treo. I’ve been doing ok but notice that when I am stressed (or feeling out of control of a situation) I eat sweets. That was what happened with the Krispy Kremes and the random chocolates that I’ve been enjoying.

Surgery –So I am really nervous about the after effects of surgery . I’m concerned about exercising post surgery. I know I will be able to swim and I’m sure I can do core work and abs but I’m worried. For one I’ll be home and that means access to more food. Secondly I’ll be unable to do any cardio for several weeks – I am concerned about gaining weight. I have 3 weeks to come up with a plan.