What if.....

What if I can't get back in shape in time for the triathlon in August.



What if my knee doesn't completely heal from surgery



What if I never do a 5k in less than 30 minutes, or 35 , or 40



What if my time this year is worst than my time last year



What if I don't lose the 12lbs I gained.



What if my body doesn't stop attacking itself.



What will happen? I'll still be me .... I'll still be a triathlete....I'll still be happy

I think.

one time rant , I'm in ... now what about my hair

I don't like limits of any kind and sickness - makes me feel limited. Lucky for me, I don't get sick very often. If I do get sick, I suck it up - try not to complain and move on. Usually I'll take available medicine to get rid of symptoms and move on. I'm not a fan of resting. Of course this is not healthy , but it is also a statement of how prideful I can be. I need to be more vulnerable/humble in this area. Well now I have no choice.

ONE TIME RANT
So I went to the doctor a few weeks back to make sure everything was ok. I found out that I had low white blood count ..and it has been steadily declining. My doc wanted to do more tests and confirmed that I have Lupus and Sjogrens syndrome. I don't want to go into the gory details, but suffice it to say that I know now why I am tired. Because of this I will need to rest. Also - my knee pain is probably due to the Lupus. This could be why it still hurts. YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I COULD HAVE HAD SURGERY FOR NOTHING....:0 . Also my doc said that I should consider working out less , since strenuous workouts can negatively impact your immune system. AAAARRRGGHH
ok - it is out. Time to move on.

I'm in....
So I made it in to register for the Danskin triathlon. Registration closed in exactly 12 hours. I was convincing someone to sign up at noon on opening day and she couldn't get in becase it was closed. Wow! 5000 slots filled in less than 1 day. So now I need to beef up my training. I'm really struggling to get in everything by working out at home. Also I'm going to spend some time coming up with a serious training plan. I also need to start swimming in March but of course the problem becomes....what to do with my hair. I've had braids the last two years during triathlon training season and that worked great. This year...hubby says he likes my hair the way it is. Of course he does. After all I get it done every two weeks like clockwork. I got it done yesterday and didn't workout today - because I didn't want to mess it up. Shallow and slackeresque...I know.

I need to start swimming very soon and I need a reliable hair solution. I'll try next week to swim and then see if I can make it home to blow dry , flat iron and then get the kids to school on time. Sounds tough- but I'll give it my best.

Surgery Wrap up and 26hours to go!!

Surgery Wrap

So hubby asked the other day how my knee was feeling , now that I was fully recovered from surgery. My initial answer was “fine – pretty much back to normal”. Then it hit me. My knees haven’t been “normal “ – without pain in so long –(over a year) that I forgot what normal actually is. My knee is slightly better than it was before surgery – and that is only because I haven’t run more than 3 miles.

The main reasons I opted for the surgery was because 1) I believed that my long term outlook would be better with surgery – based on my docs advice 2) I would get extreme pain when driving any distance longer than 15 minutes 3) inability to do a squat or lunge (after all what is life without a lunge) 4) Trouble going up and especially down stairs and 5) Pain during/after running and 6) pain during the night and upon waking. My doctor assured me that my severe tendinitis and Chrondomalacia was causing this and that the surgery would put me in a much better state. After all - it was the "worst he's ever seen".

If I am being totally honest – I have recovered from the pain of surgery but I have not recovered from the pre surgery pain. I am still in a fair amount of pain from normal activities. Friday, I drove to the airport to pick up hubby and sat in car 1h 20 min. It was excruciating. I had to pull over several times to stretch out my leg .

So bottom line - if I had to do it all over again – I would not do it. I’d take it really easy for 3 months and get used to taking Aleve regularly (or other NSAID) .

26 hours to go
So pain or no pain - I'm still pretty excited about my race plans for this year. My first triathlon registration kicks off in exactly 26 hours - when the Danskin registration opens. Last year is closed in 2 days . This year I plan to be one of the first 1500 registrants. Last year over 5000 registered and many were locked out since registration closed so quickly.

My goal was to not register for anything until I could run 2 miles without pain. I did this 3 weeks ago albeit slowly - so mission accomplished. I still need to get in the pool - but I'll tackle that in March . Plus I have hair issues to work out:)

This week - I was able to get in a few really good indoor bike sessions. Thanks to my bike book rack it wasn't as boring as it usually is. I read a really good mystery and listened to my DJ Steveboy podcasts - that kept me going. No running or gym this week - hubby was away on a business trip , so I worked out from home. I don't have a good reason for not running this week - I just didn't feel like it. That is so slackeresque but it is what it is.

The truth is....

I am off track with my eating and it is impacting my weight. I started the year with a post holiday weight gain of about 6lbs. Over the past few weeks I've been successful in losing 3 of the 6. However I haven't been able to budge past that point. In fact my weight is fluctuating up by a pound or so. At first I thought, oh no biggie - I'll get rid of it. I'll go right back to my set point. With my old workout schedule - this is not a problem. And while I've been slowly but surely returning to my intensity levels , the truth is - my eating is off track. I cannot eat more than 1500 calories a day and expect to maintain or lose weight. I have been giving myself far more freedom with food than I should. I've had Indian food for lunch 2 days in a row, no rice but caloric-rich naan bread. In short, I feel like I am at risk - if I don't get it together. I weighed myself this am and 2 of the 3 are back ...which means I am at a net gain of 5lbs since before the holidays. This is the longest that I have sustained a weight gain. ...I need to make sure that these 5lbs leave as quickly as they came.

Workout --
Tuesday was great but Wed and today, not so much. My sleep schedule is off, because I stayed up late to watch a movie - then couldn't go to sleep. So I've gotten up at 6:45 for two days in a row. This means - no workout. I'm exhausted today and plan to go to bed early tonight so that I have a chance of making it to the gym early in the am.

As far as my food plan, I need to get back on track. 5lbs can easily become 10lbs and that can easily become more. No excuses.. just make it happen.

Feeling good, feeling sad

Hill climb Friday and loving it. Today's workout was really great. I started out with a strong powerful weight workout -(45 min legs , arms and abs) then did the Friday hill climb spin class. It was intense and quite wonderful. I focused on being really present - not thinking about anything but the feeling of my quads and glutes tightening as I pushed the resistance as much as I could take it. It felt so good to just escape for those 60 minutes. After that, I did 1 mile on the Elliptical and 1 mile on the treadmill.
Burned: 1560

I felt a little sad because this will probably be the last am spin class that I take for a while. Hubby has to be at his new gig by 7 which means bye bye am spin class. He starts on Monday. I am a little nervous - but I have a plan that should work. I just have to be incredibly disciplined.


Food:
I struggled today - because after work I went to a reception for my little diva. A song she composed was selected as a state finalist and there was a celebratory reception. The only item on the menu was cookies and punch. I didn't eat well during the day -- light lunch and no snacks , so I was starving. I had more cookies than I should have.

Breakfast 290c Shake,
lunch : 244c lentil soup
Dinner: 3 cookies - 600c
Slice of pizza 300c (thin crust home made)


Food: 1434

I fired my PT and yes I overdid it

Only 3 things to say:

1. So – after an awesome workout last week and my not so awesome Physical Therapy session, I decided that I would continue my workouts and end the PT. So I said Buh bye to the PT sessions. This is not to say that I won’t start again with a different PT group, but right now the sessions are not that helpful. I may regret this later – but I am not happy with the quality of the sessions so I’m cutting my losses.

2. I overdid it Thursday and Friday and suffered all weekend as a result. L I’ll eventually learn how to take it easy.

3. I’ve 85% sure that I will have the other knee done sooner rather than later.. I’ll see how I get through this latest setback.

Ps – there is a Triathlon in California ON MY BIRTHDAY!! How awesome would that be!! I won’t sign up until I can run for 2 miles with no pain.

Focus on what I can do

The plan:

 

Go to gym – workout the parts that are working well -Abs and Arms. Focus not on what I can’t do, Focus on what I can do.

 

By planning to focus on what works – I felt really good going in. I felt in control and ready for a good workout.

 

The result:

 

Not only did I work out the working parts, I got on  the bike – just for fun. Guess what – 10 minutes of full cycling . I almost screamed for joy when my leg completed a full rotation on the bike.  I was sooo happy.

 

Then – feeling very badaxx , I jumped on the treadmill to see what I could do.  I did a little jogtype walking thing at 3.2 (woo hoo) .

 

The amazing thing is that at 3 weeks post surgery despite swelling, atrophy, pain etc., running (or whatever I was doing) feels better now than it has for the past 6 months.  I just may get the other leg done after all.

 

  

No Excuses -- with a limp

As a proud pollyanna (one who always thinks positively - sometimes to my own detriment), it is hard for me to swallow the thought that I might not heal quickly. Or that I might not be able to do 75 mile bike ride in May or a Triathlon in June. It is super hard to accept that I might not be running by Christmas . But as each day passes - and I realize that while I am slowly recovering , I may have accept it.

But I don't plan on taking it lying down.

I have decided to be a bit more aggressive with my recovery- more movement, aggressive PT.
Aggressive strength training on all my parts that ARE working (other leg, arms ,abs). There is no reason why I should not be able to develop killer abdominals. Or why my arms should not be incredibly toned. Or why I should slack off on my eating (of course a few slices of holiday sweet potato pie notwithstanding:)

Back to no excuses!

Swimming - or shall I say walking

After my unsuccessful attempts to go back to sleep after getting up at 3:45am, I decided to go to the gym . My activity of choice : attempt to swim. My doctor has given me clearance to swim - so I figured I'd go for it. The first major milestone was to drive to the gym. This would be my 2nd attempt at driving in over 3 weeks.

All went well with driving - especially since I took the Pacifica. When I got to the pool I was happy that the water was nice and warm. It was just perfect - no one there, calm peaceful water, just perfect. I normally go to the lap pools but of course - for now that is a little ambitious. I got in the water and attempted to just use the kickboard . I enjoyed the buoyancy and immediately felt a big release of pressure on my leg. That was nice. What wasn't so nice was that well, my leg forgot how to kick. It hurt and I had no control over what my leg was doing. After a few minutes of that, I decided to just walk or walk run as best as i could. So that was my swimming for today. One day as I'm completing my 30+ laps in the pool , I am going to remember this day, remember this feeling and smile.

Yesterday I cried, Today I cycled

Yesterday was a rough day. Lifting my leg enough to avoid the pain of bumping it on the edge of the shower pan is something I have yet to accomplish. Not doing it yesterday, nearly broke me. As I recovered from the pain, the tears started...and they wouldn't stop. I felt sad that I wasn't recovering as quickly as I thought I would. I was sad that my walking was (and is) still very labored. I was sad that I gained 2 1/2 lbs. I promised myself I would not have a pity party - but yesterday I had to give in. My mopiness lasted most of the day. Last week when I was tempted to be mopey, I decided to go serve someone else. I ended up taking the kids to our local assisted living facility and visiting some of the residents. We've done this before and have come to know a few of the cute little ladies. Anyway - this was not an option yesterday as I was too far gone. I was in pain and angry that I decided to go through with the surgery.

Today- I got up and was able to lift my leg. Something that I have not been able to do post surgery. I was so excited that I decided that I was on a roll -- and that I should be brave and attempt to go to the gym. I got dressed (by myself), walked down to the car and drove to the club (A first!!) . Even if I didn't workout just looking at the equipment and being there would surely feel good. Well not only did I look but I worked out. I cycled for 10 minutes, elliptical for 4min and treadmill for 5 minutes. Ok so I wasn't able to complete 1 full revolution on the bike nor was I able to go faster than 1.5 on the treadmill , but any movement is good movement. I did a nice circuit and gravitron workout. I felt great and I know that each day will be better than the last. I finally feel like full recovery is in sight!

My first workout

So today I had my first post surgery workout. Today - exactly 2 weeks from the operation. I thought that it would be much sooner than this.... but it is what it is. So here is what I did...

• 10 minutes on the treadmill at .9
• Arms - biceps and shoulders
• Abs

I was thrilled to get dressed in my workout clothes and go to my little gym in the basement. I am SO ready to be better, so I really pushed myself. The walking funny, immobility, pain.. is getting old very fast. I am really trying hard to push myself . I'm just slightly concerned that I don't seem to be progressing in my recovery. I will be starting PT this week so I'm hoping it helps ... In the meantime, I will keep working hard in my quest to get back to normal.

Back to normal -- not so much

So today was my first day back at work. Trying to resume a normal schedule but it is really far from normal. I get chauffered to work since I still cannot drive. I have not worked out (really) in almost 2 weeks. But I'm getting back as best as I can. My goal is to get to the gym this week -- or at least the gym in my basement. I really want to work out - my leg just isn't cooperating.

stir crazy

So I am literally going stir crazy.

 

I am feeling good today – getting around quite well. But I need to get outside… soon . I’m really about to go crazy….

 

I know there is a lesson for me to learn out of all of this.. I know it.  

 

I’m struggling to feel good about this decision. I am looking forward to the day when I can walk normally let alone do a little jog.  I have decided to hold off on the left leg until I’m feeling better about the right leg.

 

So by the way – here is what I had done…..

 

1)      Tendon rebuild – also called a tendon debridement .  Part of my patellar tendon was missing due to damage. So the OS removed the damaged part and stitched together the remaining tendon in an effort to make it stronger.  This was done with an incision

2)      Chondroplasty – This was a procedure to correct chondromalacia and synovial plica (extra tissue under knee cap-). This procedure was done via arthroscopy.

 

I fully expected to be healed by now (or at least walking normally) but no such luck.

 

This has been an incredibly humbling experience in that I am learning that I cannot do everything – even if I want to. And it is totally ok to outsource or better yet – let some things go.  It has been frustrating looking at something that needs to be done and not being able to do it.  

 

All in all – I’m finding I am prone to be a little mopey these days. Not woe is me – but I think I am having endorphin rush withdrawal. I miss that feeling and I think it is messing on a chemical level..

 

Anyway – I know this is temporary and I’ll feel better soon.

I am not superwoman, TV is overated - my budding starlet

Today started off great. I woke up with less pain than yesterday and decided to seize the moment. I really pushed the limits on what I could do. I felt so good that I called the doctor just to make sure there wasn't anything I should not do. I got the go ahead to do as much as I could tolerate. So I walked with one crutch and kept walking all day. By the end of the day I could walk without the crutch. I also walked up the stairs and down the stairs. I took a shower (woo hoo). I even did the "crank that soulja boy dance " - which I must upload to you tube one day-- hilarious even before surgery. Plus - I worked for about 9 hours... I didn't intend to but I had 4 meetings and had a few mails to get out..yada yada.. By the end of the day , I was not only exhausted but in pain and in need of a percocet. Lesson - I am not saving lives with my work and I am not superwoman.

Over the last few years, I was under the impression that I was missing so many great shows by not watching TV (save for CNNHN, Today and ANTM:0). Yeah sure, I Tivo a bunch and watch a few things here and there, but TV and I don't see much of each other. Well, I certainly had a chance to catch up over the last few days . Here's my assessment. "Samantha Who" is good, "Girlfriends" is good too (although this week felt forced) . Some shows are just plain crazy -- like anything on BET or VH1. I must say I developed a new found respect for Kimora Lee Simmons. Her show "Life in the Fab lane" on the Style channel - while lame and shallow - actually demonstrates that she is actually quite smart (or at least the people who work for her are in contrast not so smart). Oh yeah I'm also addicted to Heroes. I have the boxed set of season 1 and have made my way through 5 episodes Anyway lots of shallow guilty TV pleasures and good reading. Probably could use a bit more rest.

Also I hopped my peg legged self on the scale and -- no weight gain !!

Finally - we have a budding starlet in the house. My sweetgirl has so much going on right now. She did an open mike night, a performance in a mall, a school competition for an original song she composed and get this... she auditioned to be in an Andrew Lloyd Weber play (on a whim) and she got the part. We are thrilled.

Ok really finally ---39yo epiphany #10: I now know what it means to "come into your own". It means - Hearing what others have to say about you and getting comfortable with the fact that you don't give a hoot. And really really really really mean it.

Today's workout:

2 laps around the room
Tighten quadricep muscles 10 times
10 foot flexes
Left leg squats next to bed

Today's Celebrations
Small victories --

• 1st trip to washroom (alone!)
• trip down/up stairs
• Getting dressed for company
• Keeping my workout gear in view for inspiration
• Not having a pity party

never in my wildest dreams

Let me preface my post with saying that I know it will get better-- I know it won't always be this way.... I am faithful that I will recover.

It is 2 days since surgery and I never imagiined it would be like this. I cannot walk. Everything requires assistance. I cannot go to the bathroom alone. and it hurts enough to cause tears every time I attempt to walk. I normally have high tolerance for pain (2 kids - no epi) but this is a different level. Plus I have really bad headaches.

I know it will get better , but right now it sucks.

The Matrix is real and Exercise is Magic

T-48 and I’m feeling good.

I’ve had good workouts over the last week – although I’ve really had to scale back intensity. I stopped taking spin class about 2 weeks ago as my last attempt ended in me leaving class early because my knee hurt too bad. But… I have managed to find a way to have a heart pumping intense workout – with low impact to my knees.  First I do an incredible treadmill walking workout – 10min walking at 4.5 with incline of 3.0., then upgrade speed by .2mph every 4 minutes until I am walking at 5.5. Stay there for 4 minutes then take 6 minutes to come back down to 4.0 ..   This gets my heart rate up but doesn’t make my knees hurt…Hamstrings yes but not knees.    Then I hop on the Elliptical (only on level 2 now)  -- but run at a speed of 174-180 for 15 minutes+ cooldown.   This is a good hour of solid low impact heart pumping cardio…

 

I’m feeling good about my weight . I’m 1lb above my lowest weight yet and – I’m ok with that.  I could probably lose 1lb before Friday – just to start in a good place. If it happens great – if not I’m not stressing.

 

The Matrix is real?

So I just returned from Chicago and one of the highlights was that I got to see my dad.  And to all of my friends who know him – YES he’s still “got it”..   For those who don’t know my dad – my friends have often said he is very attractive. And you know what he is. I have to give it to him. He is still very buff (avid bodybuilder and cyclist).  Also – my dad is brilliant. He is a journalist (just published a new book) , has a radio show, frequently appears on TV and deeper than any ocean.  Anyway – while visiting, we got into several interesting discussions (as we often do)- this time about the state of African Americans, Hip Hop, Jena and Simulation games. I was sharing with him the strange world of SecondLife.com.   Would you believe that he believes (or is open to the possibility) that WE are living in a simulation – a la the matrix.  I’m not well versed enough in the theory to articulate it here but read it for yourself here.  This story in the NYT speaks of how there is high degree of mathematic certainty that we are living in simulated world.      While discussing this it made me realize how closed mind can be- especially since I have absolutely no knowledge on the topic.  Anyway, read it and let me know what you think…

 

Exercise is Magic

I am so convinced that exercise is magic – or at least is capable of magically making everything ok.  Energy low ? exercise helps.  Feeling blue?—exercise helps. Feeling fat? Exercise helps. Feeling too skinny? – exercise helps. Ate too much ? Exercise helps. Low self esteem ? Exercise helps.  Health problems ? Exercise helps. Need a man? Exercise helpsJ . Not aging gracefully ? Exercise helps. Aging gracefully? Exercise helps show it off.   Feeling nervous about surgery and the possible of not working out for a long time? Working out like a banshee up until the last moment… really helps. 

 

--A  

 

Failing to plan is planning to fail

So here is my surgery plan....
1) Make sure my weight is a low as it can be before surgery...so far I've maintained for the last few weeks. I'll make one last effort this week with really clean eating and 65-70% Heart rate activities. That means fast walking on incline and elliptical.

2) Accept that I will need to recover. Give myself time to heal . This means being out of work - not just working from home. Get adequate rest and just allow my body the time it needs. For some reason - I just accepted this. I thought I'd be able to bounce back in a few days. I'm in a more realistic place now.

3) exercise every day - even if I am doing bicep curls or tricep dips -- I will still keep it up.

4) Swim as soon as possible- I'm thinking I might be able to do it within 10 days or so.

5) Have a totally positive attitude. I will allow myself exactly 24 more hours to be nervous. After that I'm on to the recovery plan and getting stronger.

I'm off to Chicago - to speak at a conference, then I'll be back for 2 days then surgery!!

The worst he has ever seen.

So back to normal today – after being in Florida most of last week with sporadic internet access. This is going to be a pretty crazy week at work – based on my calendar and I’m exhausted just at the thought of it. Since I got back yesterday and tried to spend as much time as I could with the kids, I didn’t get a chance to do my work catch up. So I did it this am – which means no workout. I’m bummed but I know that there was not much choice.

I weighed myself this am and I was exactly the same as I was when I left. The last few days my stomach condition improved slightly and I had a few meals (and a little drinky drink). I have a bunch of 8am meetings this week so I will need to get up super early in order to get my workout done get dressed and make it in time.

Today I had my pre op appointment with my orthopedic surgeon. My plan was to inquire about getting both knees done at the same time instead of one at a time. So my doctor did not recommend it as he thought it would be too difficult for me to recover. He also mentioned that he was surprised it took me this long to decide to go through with the surgery as he reminded me that my patella tendonitis was “the worst he has ever seen” . He thought that the pain would bring me in sooner. He did a brief exam on both knees and said that both knees were “crunchy” – in that they make crunching and clicking sounds when I extend them. He said I should be able to get around roughly 10 days post surgery (with crutches) and I can consider having the other knee done a few weeks later. As he described it today – the surgery is a bit more complicated than I initially understood. What I thought would be a simple draining of excess fluid in my tendon , is actually an incision to remove damaged tissue , then stitching the tendon so that it will heal. In addition , he will use the orthoscope to remove excess tissue under my knee cap. In short – it is a slightly bigger deal than I thought. So 10/19 is the date. I contemplated chickening out again but then thought about how bad my knees have been hurting lately and how I’d like to continue to be active well into my later years. This surgery should help me keep my groove well into my 60's

I chickened out on surgery

So 1 week ago - I was supposed to have surgery on my right knee. The orthoscopic surgery was going to cure my severe tendonitis (by draining the fluid inside my tendon) and remove excess tissue from behind my patella (knee cap). There was a 3rd process (which I opted out of) was to detach the tendons that hold my knee cap in place and attach them in a different location. So I was all set - scheduled and everything. Then the day before I decided that I was not going to do it. I have a few new races coming up this season and I really want to take 10 minutes off of my danskin Triathlon time (http://results.timberlinetiming.com/results/index.cfm) and I expect most of that to come from the run (and my transitions).
I tried my own method of healing my knee: motrin + ice + better shoes+ lots of leg extensions + more running. So far , so good