There is not clever way to start this post. I just need to come clean. The last week was what I am now calling my valley . Over the last 15 months, I have been consistently working out 4-5 times a day and meal tracking (on most days) in an effort to continue to lose weight and keep it off. My total weight loss over the last 15 months has been lost 58lbs and I've managed to stay within 1-2 lbs of my lowest weight. I have learned so much about weight control and how to use exercise to bring me joy. Well – the last week it was as if I forgot who I was or who I had become. After 4 days of not working out – it became easier to not work out and to be less strict with my diet. I reverted back to my old ways, just like that . It was scary that it was so easy. This blog is like a nagging voice that keeps reminding me to do be accountable. The days I don't blog it is usually because I am exhausted and fall asleep or because I am hiding from something. This week it was definitely the latter. If I didn't have this blog, I would probably have an easier time not being accountable – so I am thankful that I have decided to bare my struggles in such a public way. It keeps me accountable – not to the people that read this – but to myself.
Over the past week, I've had foods that I have not had in over a year – sandwiches, potato chips (not baked), pasta . In the moment- I remember feeling like I should stop but continuing anyway. The part of me that continues anyway is the old me. I remember thinking and feeling the same way when I was overeating. I knew it was wrong but in the moment – the comfort/satisfaction that I was getting outweighed the benefits of not doing it. As stupid as that sounds – it is my reality. Even now – when I know better. When I look back over the individual incidents, i can see a few fatal flaws on my part. 1) I brought these foods into my house. Something I had not done before. We were supposed to have a big cookout on Sunday before Memorial day, so much of the food in question was "for guests". Well it rained, the guest didn't show and we had a house full of chips. 2) I didn't take action to prevent me from overeating. When I am at my strongest – I am good about destroying the food or making it so disgusting that I won't eat it. I remember a time when visiting NJ , when I put catsup over a piece of delicious apple pie, just so that I would not have more than 1 bite. I didn't do that this week.
I still weighed myself every day and I gained 5lbs but quickly loss 4. Yes all over a week. So the net is that I am up 1. Here is what I think is going on….I've managed to change or reset my metabolism by working out so consistently. So a few days of not working out will not create a bunch of damage. I think this might last for about 1 week. I also believe that water and elimination are key . When I eat poorly and don't exercise, I don't eliminate as often (ok oversharing but hey It is my blog) and that weight stays with me (can be 1lb a day). Certain foods are more harmful than others. Overeating an omelet and salmon has a different impact on my weight than if I overeat a sandwich or pasta. The carbs are not metabolized in the same way. I felt my old fat self coming back – when I would look at the scale and expect to see a higher number. I remember distinctly on my way to my most obese self, weighing myself and expecting it to be higher. And instead of feeling grateful and ready to take corrective action, I would feel like I got a pass . I would continue the behavior until I reached the higher number, then I'd take corrective action. That is a totally different mindset than that of the new me. The new me sees the scale and expects it to go down. When it doesn't I take corrective action. My danger weight tells me it is time to take urgent strong corrective action. This week I did not take urgent corrective action when I saw the daily changes.. I watched – expecting the number to be higher…but i didn't stop what I was doing.
Why is this happening?
I don't know… at the heart of it I am feeling more stressed than I have been but not as stressed as I was in NJ . Although I think I may be getting there. I have a ton to figure out at work and a few added responsibilities in my personal life. I am also feeling upset with myself for allowing an incident at the gym to impact my workout . I should be able to not let anything get in my way …but I am . Perhaps the food is replacing my need to talk. I don't' know.
I do know that my spiritual connection is off and that is having an impact . When I start getting stressed and worried – it means that I've lost focus on who is in control. God knows everything that is going on in my life and I need to trust Him to work it out. When I start worrying and getting stressed I am not trusting him. I've been so busy lately that it has been hard to fit in my daily quiet times. Let me restate that in a more accountable way… I've allowed myself to become distracted and I've not been connected to God in a way that I need .
From here …where
So I am about to leave for a European business trip and I will be exposed to good rich food as well as be physically exhausted from the jet lag. My plan is to workout as much as possible and to apply restraint – but enjoy the food. I am not planning on drinking . I also will not do the Issaquah Triathlon because I will be arriving on the same day. I am going to focus on getting ready for the Seafair tri . My goal is to get back in gear and prepare myself mentally, physically and spiritually.