What is this all about?

I started this blog to keep me accountable in my fitness and clean eating journey. My first post was in March of 2007 and I've been posting ever since. As you will see I've had many highs and lows...but this is all about the journey...not just the destination

Sunday, October 2, 2011

It's not him it's me

Why do people like to watch a disaster? Strange human nature, but when something bad happens, people like to watch. This is where the term "rubbernecking"came from. People in cars stretch their necks in order to get a glimpse of an accident. We sit glued to the tv during a natural disaster or terrorist attack.    I am no different.

So tally for today:
1930 calories consumed
0 zero burned
330 calories over my goal.

The day started off great. I did really well with breakfast.. i had a protein shake for lunch and then went to a church event and munched on sugar snap peas and artichoke dip.  Everything was going great until.....

I walked into the house after attending the church event and having a conversation with my 13 yo daughter on the benefits of being humble. I was listening to an audiobook on effective notetaking techniques and thought she might be able to pick up a few tips. As she listened ...she sighed and said "she already had good techniques".  I became slightly frustrated ...although she has all As so far, she isn't the most organized student. Ok so I digress.  So I walk into the house and my DH and son are watching football and having root beer -which on the surface is very cute. I came in and my eyes went to the kitchen counter and the sink which were quite messy.   Dinner was cooked, the boy was fed but the kitchen was a mess. Already a bit frustrated, I went upstairs for a moment of peace before coming back down to straighten up. I get to my room and my bed is covered with stuff.  You see , my sweet hubby surprised me by purchasing a dresser that I thought he hated. He had installed it and set it up, but just hadn't loaded it yet.  What a sweet, sweet gesture.  But could I appreciate it, NOOO.  I was now even more frustrated that the room was a mess.  
So I get myself together and go join everyone downstairs and begin straightening up. After putting kids to bed, I came back downstairs to finish straightening up and decided to have a snack.  Well the snack turned into sabotage and by the end of the evening, I had consumed 2 1/2 glasses of red wine and 30 of the most fattening tortilla chips ever.  As I ate the chips knowing the damage, I blamed my hubby for bringing the chips in the house. ...but I kept eating.  As I drank the wine, I thought about that I shouldn't be drinking wine but I needed it to calm me down. 

I needed to write this so that I can come face to face with my SIN...and my self sabotage. In that moment, I was both watching and becoming a disaster at the same time.  How could I have nothing but appreciation for my hubs and all he does? What a sweet gesture and how wonderful is it that he is such a great cook ? How could I have anything but gratitude?    It is not him and how dare I blame him. It is me. I'm flawed and far from perfection. I've asked both my husband and God for forgiveness.   Now I need to work on my ability to deal. Why did I turn to chips?  Why didn't I stop myself? This is exactly my problem. It is like I step out of my body...to witness the damage vs acknowledging that I am inflicting the damage.   I need to find more effective tools to deal with these times of frustration.
Oh it was also that time of the month...but that shouldn't be an excuse.

I guess the first step is acknowledgement ...now on to trying to repair.
Signing off... vulnerable, flawed and human. 

77 comments:

Tracey N said...

I like your signoff line "flawed and human". Eating right is a day by day, meal by meal challenge. I struggled with it as well. Hang in there.

Wrider 3.0 said...

I think all of us has gone through this many times. You're not alone. I often turn into the awful person/thing I so despise. I get caught up in my own anger or disappointment and let it drown me. I enjoy reading your blog. Keep up the good work!

terry said...

We all have a bad food day, so don't worry. Tomorrow is a new, healthy day. :)

Pamela said...

Just saw this post Soror...hang in there! I understand the want to pacify w/a snack and then regretting it. Think of it this way, it cold have been a worse snack. For some extra motivation would you be interested in doing the Holiday Booty Buster? It's not a boot camp, you do your own fitness just joining a multitude of people, focusing...hoping (lol) to keep fit over the holiday. I have the banner on my site.

But keep it going...you can do it!

Kold_Kadavr_flatliner, sub/dude said...

God blessa youse -Fr. Sarducci, ol SNL

Kushuka said...

Your blog is very nice I like to enjoy every pages,
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ChalemahRose said...

Yes Flawed&Human is the only way the best way to put it.
:)
Hang in there, Nice page btw.

stacy said...
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Coach Alisa Barraza said...

Great blog keep up the work it will get better .

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About Me

My photo
West Coast, United States
I am a christian woman, wife, mom to 2 great kids, a member of Delta Sigma Theta, A Jack and Jill mom, sister, daughter . I am also incredibly fit but wasn't always. I am a recovering fat girl - who takes it one day at a time.

Alonda the Triathlete!

Alonda the Triathlete!

The backstory-----How did I become a triathlete...

In February 2006, I went on a ski trip with my new colleagues from work. On the way back, I sat next to a girl named Wendy - a really friendly woman who talked about her experience as a newcomer to Seattle. She told me how her main source of making friends was through her workout buddies. She also mentioned that many of her friends participate in triathlons and that (get this) I should consider doing one too. I thought she might have been delirious from all of the skiing. I assured her that I was not the one. She obviously had mistaken me for someone else. Perhap my heavy coat prevented her from seeing what was underneath (50 lbs of extra weight and lots of evidence of no exercise). She continued with this crazy talk, speaking of how fun it is and how supportive the Danskin Triathlon is. I wanted to be sure that she and I were thinking of the same thing... Triathlon (swim bike run -some huge number of miles -all on the same day right after each other). Yup this was it. I chuckled and told her to have fun.
A few weeks later at the office, she mentioned it again. Now at this time, I had been contemplating joining my company sponsored health club (PROCLUB) and in particular the weight loss program called 20/20. After all, I had really packed on the pounds. I arrived in WA 50lbs overweight and pretty unhappy with myself. I actually started to think that completing triathlon would be a good goal...impossible but a good goal. I decided to go for it. At the same time I also decided to join the weight loss program. My first meeting with my trainer ..Anthony Parker was on 3/14/06. I told him ..in all of my fatness, that I wanted to do a triathlon. He looked at me and said hmmm, ok.
I began this really intense workout and nutrition program and began building my endurance. My first meetings with Anthony consisted of walking on the treadmill for 20 minutes and then doing stairclimber or eliptical for 15 minutes. Followed by a bit of strength training. I did this 3x a week (between 6am and 7:30) and then worked out on my own 2 other days. I had absolutely no endurance and could not run for more than 1 minute. Over the months, my endurance grew ..slowly at first then more rapidly. I also figured that I needed to improve my swimming skills if I was going to swim for 1/2 a mile. I took a Total Immersion Class.. which teaches swimming efficiency. Let's set the record straight here... I could swim well enough to save myself if I was thrown off of a boat. I was a decent (not great) swimmer. At the start of the class, I could do 1 (that's right ONE) lap and then I started breathing heavy. At that point I new the triathlon was totally out of reach. After all 1/2 mile was equal to 20 laps. I left the 1st day of class feeling scared and dismayed that I was too aggressive. Maybe I should have set my goal for 2007.
The next week's class, I asked the teacher what I needed to do to build my endurance. He said just keep at it, it will come. You know what, it did. Each week I got better and better. 4 weeks later I was able to swim 9 laps. I then started swimming before my workouts with my trainer (a little crazy but hey). My trainer was pretty impressed. I also started biking on the weekends. In fact in May I did a 30 mile bike ride as a part of the Tour De Cure for Diabetes. I really love biking...:)
Ok so I still had not tackled the most difficult part, the running. Not only could I not run but I absolutely hated it. I started adding running to my treadmill work. Anthony suggested intervals. We started with 2min run 2 min walk . I did this for weeks extending the time and the speed. I was up to running at 5.5 and walking at 4.0. Then Anthony said ..let's see if you can run a mile. I thought he was kidding. I did not think I was ready for that. This was May 5th (a day after my birthday). Guess what I did it. And I didn't feel like I was going to die. I was on top of the world. All day I had a little extra spring in my step. I just kept replaying in my head the "goal attained" message on the treadmill. I just could not believe it.
I kept it up, continued working out 5x a week. I took another swim class "Triathlon Swim Training" to help even more. This class was filled with drills and specific swim workouts. I really saw progress. By the end of the class, I was able to swim 28 laps. Now the challenge was to swim in Open Water. That's right. The triathlon was going to be in Lake Washington.
I finally felt like I could really do it. I didn't have a specific time goal , my goal was to finish. The week before the race I was sooo nervous. I was doing mini triathlons with a few really good girls. I kept up with them during the swim but one bike ride was particularly hilly and....they left me in the dust. I felt so bad and really began to rethink whether or not I should do the race. I spoke to one of the girsl about my bike performance , and she said that my bike was holding me back. That day, I decided to retire my 35lb mountain bike for a 19 lb feather light road bike. Boy what a differnce. This was a risky thing to do so close to the race but it worked for me.
The other thing to mention is that I met up with a wonderful group of women called the Soul Sistas. They are a group of African American Women of all ages who participate in triathlons and bike races. They are so awesome.We (the soul sistas) took pictures the day before the race... I'll post when available.
So the day of the race..... Everybody in the house is excited and up. My kids and my nieces - who were visiting from NJ are all up and ready to root me on. I left early so that I could get ready.The goal was to meet me by the swim finish. This was alll pretty tricky because there were 40 waves of swimmers starting every 3 minutes. All I can say about the swim is that it felt much longer than 1/2 a mile. I kept focused and didn't get nervous. I focused on keeping my breathing relaxed. It worked ...and by the way I wasn't the last swimmer in my group YEAHHH. I don't know how it all worked out but as soon as I finished my swim, I saw them. Byron , Tyler, Paris, Ahlia and Ivy were all waiting there for me with the most beautiful handmade signs saying GO MOMMY, Go AUNTIE, I love you. It was so terrific. Once I saw them I was energized.... Now on to the bike.
The bike was the best part of the entire race. I love my bike and I love to fly down the road. The entire 14 miles of the race was closed to traffic. Our longest stretch was on the express lane of one of the largest highways. Imagine flying down a highway with nothing in your way (but other riders on your right). It was so amazing. I was going pretty fast but could have gone faster - but wanted to save my legs for the run.
Now the run... I hate running and I am really bad at it. I am slow and not terribly efficient. After biking hard for 40 minutes, your legs are really worked up. During the after bike run, your legs turn into "bricks". They are heavy and hard to move. If you push through , you can get over the feeling and get into a stride. Well I also felt pains in my knee. So instead of running the entire 3.2 miles I decided to walk run. In the end it was actually fine - but while doing it I was a little disappointed. Danskin is great because there are so many supporters on the way. Cheerleaders who are yelling "go for it" from their back porch. It was just what I needed. In fact I heard Destiny's Child Im a survivor , on my way and that was what I used in my head to keep me going.
So when I realize I am about 1/2 mile from the end, I start getting super excited and very emotional. It is all coming together now -- all the training, the visualization of actually crossing the finish line and my waiting family. I got on my cell phone to cal my husband, just to make sure he was at the finisth line. He cracked up that I called:)
When you come close to the finsih line, there are all these spectators lined up waiting for you. It is so great! I ran through a narrow entry to the wide finish line area. And there they were.. my family (My hubby, kids and neices) - with signs and smiles. When I crossed the finish line, my name was announced and the official put a medal around my neck. Well I just lost it and started crying. I could not believe that I had just completed a triathlon. I was officially a triathlete.

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