It's not him it's me

Why do people like to watch a disaster? Strange human nature, but when something bad happens, people like to watch. This is where the term "rubbernecking"came from. People in cars stretch their necks in order to get a glimpse of an accident. We sit glued to the tv during a natural disaster or terrorist attack.    I am no different.

So tally for today:
1930 calories consumed
0 zero burned
330 calories over my goal.

The day started off great. I did really well with breakfast.. i had a protein shake for lunch and then went to a church event and munched on sugar snap peas and artichoke dip.  Everything was going great until.....

I walked into the house after attending the church event and having a conversation with my 13 yo daughter on the benefits of being humble. I was listening to an audiobook on effective notetaking techniques and thought she might be able to pick up a few tips. As she listened ...she sighed and said "she already had good techniques".  I became slightly frustrated ...although she has all As so far, she isn't the most organized student. Ok so I digress.  So I walk into the house and my DH and son are watching football and having root beer -which on the surface is very cute. I came in and my eyes went to the kitchen counter and the sink which were quite messy.   Dinner was cooked, the boy was fed but the kitchen was a mess. Already a bit frustrated, I went upstairs for a moment of peace before coming back down to straighten up. I get to my room and my bed is covered with stuff.  You see , my sweet hubby surprised me by purchasing a dresser that I thought he hated. He had installed it and set it up, but just hadn't loaded it yet.  What a sweet, sweet gesture.  But could I appreciate it, NOOO.  I was now even more frustrated that the room was a mess.  
So I get myself together and go join everyone downstairs and begin straightening up. After putting kids to bed, I came back downstairs to finish straightening up and decided to have a snack.  Well the snack turned into sabotage and by the end of the evening, I had consumed 2 1/2 glasses of red wine and 30 of the most fattening tortilla chips ever.  As I ate the chips knowing the damage, I blamed my hubby for bringing the chips in the house. ...but I kept eating.  As I drank the wine, I thought about that I shouldn't be drinking wine but I needed it to calm me down. 

I needed to write this so that I can come face to face with my SIN...and my self sabotage. In that moment, I was both watching and becoming a disaster at the same time.  How could I have nothing but appreciation for my hubs and all he does? What a sweet gesture and how wonderful is it that he is such a great cook ? How could I have anything but gratitude?    It is not him and how dare I blame him. It is me. I'm flawed and far from perfection. I've asked both my husband and God for forgiveness.   Now I need to work on my ability to deal. Why did I turn to chips?  Why didn't I stop myself? This is exactly my problem. It is like I step out of my body...to witness the damage vs acknowledging that I am inflicting the damage.   I need to find more effective tools to deal with these times of frustration.
Oh it was also that time of the month...but that shouldn't be an excuse.

I guess the first step is acknowledgement ...now on to trying to repair.
Signing off... vulnerable, flawed and human. 

Survived and feeling good

Today's tally...
1205 calories consumed*
592 burned
613 net daily calories

*my daily target is 1500 consumed...  which would allow a daily calorie deficit of 780 calories. This is in line with my target of a -2+ lb loss per week.

From a nutrition perspective, today was a bit challenging. I'm always challenged when I'm home - because I get antsy and/or anxious. My plan was to have breakfast with a friend and then work on my home office. When breakfast fell through - I had to think through my eating plan at home. I decided to have a low cal egg white fritatta. It was fully loaded - with sun dried tomatoes, chicken, spinach and my absolute favorite seasoning : rosemary and garlic. I used Egg Whites (from the carton).  Lunch and dinner became more challenging - I had a protein shake and chicken breast for lunch. While I was working on the office... I came down for a break and B had Tortilla Chips and salsa. I have to say that these are the most delicious - but absolutely the worst tortilla chips you can have. They are not baked and are so delicious that you know after one bite, that they are bad for you. At 180 calories for just 13 chips... I knew I couldn't have more than 3.  It was hard to resist not having more..but I did.   Later in the evening, as a family we went out to a local mall/food court to hear a the Northwest Gospel Jazz Band (which by the way did not play one gospel song :-| but hey we are in the Northwest)  . While there, B had a chicken fajita and I shared his sauteed onions and beans. I also had a cup of egg drop soup.   All told - while challenging , I still remained under my daily caloric goal.

For my workout - I got the crazy idea to head over to the Bikram Yoga studio.  It has been at least 2 years since I've been to this yoga studio and at least 15 months since I've done Bikram. I did it a few times in San Diego - but not consistently.  The good news is that not only did I manage to stay in the class - but I did all of the poses and didn't need to stop:).  The bad news is that my body is totally different than the last time I did it. So my mind remembered the poses but my body has fat in places that make it difficult to completely do the poses.  Mentally - this is a bummer and I wanted to crumble...but I kept telling myself "you are here and that is good".   A few examples:

This pose is called Eagle Pose.... this was so much easier to do when I didn't have 40lbs of extra flab. I used to love this pose because I could do it very easily and hold it the entire time. Now I couldn't wrap my bottom leg all the way around. I will ! Bikram Hot Yoga burns 7 calories a minute so at 90 minutes it was 592. I think it was probably more because the 7 c calculation is probably based on a normal weight person.

Anyway -- I am feeling good about today . I'm accepting myself today and trying really hard to not compare myself to my old self. I'm accepting that my body has had health challenges and that I'm a few years older, but I'm not allowing any excuses.  Excuses are tools of the weak and incompetent and I am neither.  ...Until tomorrow

Happy enough to care

So here is my tally for today: 

• Ate: 947 calories (2 protein shakes, Turkey and broccoli)
• Burned: 112 calories
• Net consumed 835

I'm feeling great about resisting 2 opportunities to have cookies. (yay!!)
Also I worked out using the Biggest Loser on Kinect for Xbox . It was actually a pretty good workout. Much harder than I expected.  Burned 112 calories.

The hardest thing for me to do is accept that my body doesn't do things the way I think it should. For example, in my fitter days, I could do lunges and go all the way to the ground. Well today, not so much.  I'll get there again.

So something clicked. I'm not sure exactly what it was, but there definitely was a click.  I'm sure that thin people look at fat people and wonder how or why did they let themselves get fat.  Well fat people wonder too. I sure did. However , while I wondered , I wasn't concerned enough to make a change. Eating something bad for me (like a cookie or piece of cake) was almost like having an out of body experience. It was me but in my head I wasn't really present. I knew it was a poor choice but I distanced myself from the choice and the present.  This is beyond denial...it is lying to myself.  I also think I seek food at a pleasurable experience because sometimes with all of the demands of my life, I don't have many pleasurable experiences.   Of course I love my family and I'm grateful to have a good job but I don't feel like I experience pleasure every day. Food sometimes fills that void.  

So what clicked?  Well I just made the decision that I'm tired of living and looking this way. I'm tired of the embarrassment of seeing someone from my fitter days and knowing that they are thinking ""OMG what happened to her"" .  Losing weight takes a mental readiness that I don't think I had this last year. I think I'm finally feeling happy enough with myself to care about my health.  

Zumba Catharsis

So today I tried Zumba for the first time and I must admit , it was kind of fun. There were moments, many moments when I felt ridiculous. But there were also moments when I totally let go and tried to be at one with the music.

This week I'm attending a leadership conference in Orlando. It is a great environment , filled with african-american executive women from all across the country. There are workshops/seminars and even a health screening area. Yesterday, I took part in the health screening. I figured what the heck. I've always had very healthy stats, no sign of hypertension, low-normal cholesterol and an abnormally low pulse.  I've attributed all of that to working out so much.

Well yesterday - was very different. Evy single stat was higher than it had ever been and in some cases I was at risk.  Here is the scoop:
My normal blood pressure :  108/70  maybe 120/80 ...Yesterday 130/80 - borderline high!!
My normal pulse 51... yesterday 75
My cholesterol - usually 140  yesterday   189  (borderline high - target is under 200)

I was so bummed.  I think I've been able to coast off of my exercise for a long time .. but since I've not exercised as much (or as vigorously) in the last 6-9 months ... it is time to face the truth.  I'm out of shape.. both internally and externally. 

So during the cooldown during today's Zumba class - as I was covered in sweat- I felt as if my body was talking to me.. saying "this is what I need, why have you been hurting me, why don't you love me anymore" . I felt overwhelmed with emotion.  I can't really describe why, but it made me cry. I know this sounds hokey... even as I'm typing it, it sounds hokey to me.  Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. Usually I feel energized when I work out, but today I felt emotional.  Today I listened to my body...and I heard what it said....

When I'm down and I feel like giving up.... I whip my hair back and forth

 I love that line.. in Willow's song. At first I thought that song was just another teenie bopper song, but must admit that I really like it.  Especially the line in the title of this post..  I've interpreted this to mean - no matter how I feel, it isn't that bad. Also -- when I'm feeling bad...get to moving:)

So - I'm back in the Seattle area, after spending 20 months in sunny San Diego for a startup that didn't make, we decided the smart thing to do would be to move back to our house and to where I had employment. I'm grateful... because in this economy many are without work. 

I recently started cutting back on my carbs and beefing up my protein intake. I'm following a plan that is outlined in Tim Ferris' Four Hour Body book. It is quite fascinating.. This guy conducted numerous experiments to figure out what really works when it comes to reshaping your body. He asserts that following his plan will result in 20lbs of fat loss in 30 days with only 4 hours of exercise (20 min a day 3X a week). Since I need a bit of a jump start, I'm giving it a try. I'm not necessarily a fan of fad diets, but I think his program is something that can be maintained for life. Here are the basics :

1. Eat no white foods (or anything that could have been white)
2. Do not drink calories (drink loads of water)
3. Stay away from fructose - (this includes all fruit)
4. Have 1 cheat day a week (go crazy)

That's it.

I just completed week one -- and I haven't weighed or measured myself yet, so can't report progress. But it wasn't difficult. Here are the meals I had this week:

Breakfast: Egg white omelet with spinach with beans
Lunch - spinach salad with chicken and tomatoes with beans
Dinner - eggwhite omelet or stir fry with beans
Also Mexican food is especially good with this approach. In particular Chipotle burrito bowls without the rice. Delish and totally good for you

For exercises - he recommend the mother of all exercises as the kettlebell swing. I haven't incorporated that yet because my belongings (including my kettlebell) are still in storage.  But I'm trying to isolate the effects of each component of the plan. I'll do 2 weeks following the plan exactly - weigh and measure. Then I'll add in exercise to understand the incremental effect of the exercise.  The only small complication is that I'm planning on doing The Big Climb in March. This will require quite a bit of training. I'm going to still try to isolate the effects of each tactic.  Results to come soon