Back on the Wagon

It has been quite a while since I've posted. I'm five years older and significantly heavier. I'm essentially pressing restart and getting my fit back. It may be harder because I'm older and heavier than I've ever been, but I'm up for the challenge.

For the past week, I've been tracking on MyFitnessPal and have consistently stayed under my calorie target. My workout plan includes Kettlebells, Walking and spinning. I am also focused on increasing my water consumption from <1 day="" glass="" per="" to="">10 glasses per day.

I'm officially back on the wagon.

It's not him it's me

Why do people like to watch a disaster? Strange human nature, but when something bad happens, people like to watch. This is where the term "rubbernecking"came from. People in cars stretch their necks in order to get a glimpse of an accident. We sit glued to the tv during a natural disaster or terrorist attack.    I am no different.

So tally for today:
1930 calories consumed
0 zero burned
330 calories over my goal.

The day started off great. I did really well with breakfast.. i had a protein shake for lunch and then went to a church event and munched on sugar snap peas and artichoke dip.  Everything was going great until.....

I walked into the house after attending the church event and having a conversation with my 13 yo daughter on the benefits of being humble. I was listening to an audiobook on effective notetaking techniques and thought she might be able to pick up a few tips. As she listened ...she sighed and said "she already had good techniques".  I became slightly frustrated ...although she has all As so far, she isn't the most organized student. Ok so I digress.  So I walk into the house and my DH and son are watching football and having root beer -which on the surface is very cute. I came in and my eyes went to the kitchen counter and the sink which were quite messy.   Dinner was cooked, the boy was fed but the kitchen was a mess. Already a bit frustrated, I went upstairs for a moment of peace before coming back down to straighten up. I get to my room and my bed is covered with stuff.  You see , my sweet hubby surprised me by purchasing a dresser that I thought he hated. He had installed it and set it up, but just hadn't loaded it yet.  What a sweet, sweet gesture.  But could I appreciate it, NOOO.  I was now even more frustrated that the room was a mess.  
So I get myself together and go join everyone downstairs and begin straightening up. After putting kids to bed, I came back downstairs to finish straightening up and decided to have a snack.  Well the snack turned into sabotage and by the end of the evening, I had consumed 2 1/2 glasses of red wine and 30 of the most fattening tortilla chips ever.  As I ate the chips knowing the damage, I blamed my hubby for bringing the chips in the house. ...but I kept eating.  As I drank the wine, I thought about that I shouldn't be drinking wine but I needed it to calm me down. 

I needed to write this so that I can come face to face with my SIN...and my self sabotage. In that moment, I was both watching and becoming a disaster at the same time.  How could I have nothing but appreciation for my hubs and all he does? What a sweet gesture and how wonderful is it that he is such a great cook ? How could I have anything but gratitude?    It is not him and how dare I blame him. It is me. I'm flawed and far from perfection. I've asked both my husband and God for forgiveness.   Now I need to work on my ability to deal. Why did I turn to chips?  Why didn't I stop myself? This is exactly my problem. It is like I step out of my body...to witness the damage vs acknowledging that I am inflicting the damage.   I need to find more effective tools to deal with these times of frustration.
Oh it was also that time of the month...but that shouldn't be an excuse.

I guess the first step is acknowledgement ...now on to trying to repair.
Signing off... vulnerable, flawed and human. 

Survived and feeling good

Today's tally...
1205 calories consumed*
592 burned
613 net daily calories

*my daily target is 1500 consumed...  which would allow a daily calorie deficit of 780 calories. This is in line with my target of a -2+ lb loss per week.

From a nutrition perspective, today was a bit challenging. I'm always challenged when I'm home - because I get antsy and/or anxious. My plan was to have breakfast with a friend and then work on my home office. When breakfast fell through - I had to think through my eating plan at home. I decided to have a low cal egg white fritatta. It was fully loaded - with sun dried tomatoes, chicken, spinach and my absolute favorite seasoning : rosemary and garlic. I used Egg Whites (from the carton).  Lunch and dinner became more challenging - I had a protein shake and chicken breast for lunch. While I was working on the office... I came down for a break and B had Tortilla Chips and salsa. I have to say that these are the most delicious - but absolutely the worst tortilla chips you can have. They are not baked and are so delicious that you know after one bite, that they are bad for you. At 180 calories for just 13 chips... I knew I couldn't have more than 3.  It was hard to resist not having more..but I did.   Later in the evening, as a family we went out to a local mall/food court to hear a the Northwest Gospel Jazz Band (which by the way did not play one gospel song :-| but hey we are in the Northwest)  . While there, B had a chicken fajita and I shared his sauteed onions and beans. I also had a cup of egg drop soup.   All told - while challenging , I still remained under my daily caloric goal.

For my workout - I got the crazy idea to head over to the Bikram Yoga studio.  It has been at least 2 years since I've been to this yoga studio and at least 15 months since I've done Bikram. I did it a few times in San Diego - but not consistently.  The good news is that not only did I manage to stay in the class - but I did all of the poses and didn't need to stop:).  The bad news is that my body is totally different than the last time I did it. So my mind remembered the poses but my body has fat in places that make it difficult to completely do the poses.  Mentally - this is a bummer and I wanted to crumble...but I kept telling myself "you are here and that is good".   A few examples:

This pose is called Eagle Pose.... this was so much easier to do when I didn't have 40lbs of extra flab. I used to love this pose because I could do it very easily and hold it the entire time. Now I couldn't wrap my bottom leg all the way around. I will ! Bikram Hot Yoga burns 7 calories a minute so at 90 minutes it was 592. I think it was probably more because the 7 c calculation is probably based on a normal weight person.

Anyway -- I am feeling good about today . I'm accepting myself today and trying really hard to not compare myself to my old self. I'm accepting that my body has had health challenges and that I'm a few years older, but I'm not allowing any excuses.  Excuses are tools of the weak and incompetent and I am neither.  ...Until tomorrow

Happy enough to care

So here is my tally for today: 

• Ate: 947 calories (2 protein shakes, Turkey and broccoli)
• Burned: 112 calories
• Net consumed 835

I'm feeling great about resisting 2 opportunities to have cookies. (yay!!)
Also I worked out using the Biggest Loser on Kinect for Xbox . It was actually a pretty good workout. Much harder than I expected.  Burned 112 calories.

The hardest thing for me to do is accept that my body doesn't do things the way I think it should. For example, in my fitter days, I could do lunges and go all the way to the ground. Well today, not so much.  I'll get there again.

So something clicked. I'm not sure exactly what it was, but there definitely was a click.  I'm sure that thin people look at fat people and wonder how or why did they let themselves get fat.  Well fat people wonder too. I sure did. However , while I wondered , I wasn't concerned enough to make a change. Eating something bad for me (like a cookie or piece of cake) was almost like having an out of body experience. It was me but in my head I wasn't really present. I knew it was a poor choice but I distanced myself from the choice and the present.  This is beyond denial...it is lying to myself.  I also think I seek food at a pleasurable experience because sometimes with all of the demands of my life, I don't have many pleasurable experiences.   Of course I love my family and I'm grateful to have a good job but I don't feel like I experience pleasure every day. Food sometimes fills that void.  

So what clicked?  Well I just made the decision that I'm tired of living and looking this way. I'm tired of the embarrassment of seeing someone from my fitter days and knowing that they are thinking ""OMG what happened to her"" .  Losing weight takes a mental readiness that I don't think I had this last year. I think I'm finally feeling happy enough with myself to care about my health.  

Zumba Catharsis

So today I tried Zumba for the first time and I must admit , it was kind of fun. There were moments, many moments when I felt ridiculous. But there were also moments when I totally let go and tried to be at one with the music.

This week I'm attending a leadership conference in Orlando. It is a great environment , filled with african-american executive women from all across the country. There are workshops/seminars and even a health screening area. Yesterday, I took part in the health screening. I figured what the heck. I've always had very healthy stats, no sign of hypertension, low-normal cholesterol and an abnormally low pulse.  I've attributed all of that to working out so much.

Well yesterday - was very different. Evy single stat was higher than it had ever been and in some cases I was at risk.  Here is the scoop:
My normal blood pressure :  108/70  maybe 120/80 ...Yesterday 130/80 - borderline high!!
My normal pulse 51... yesterday 75
My cholesterol - usually 140  yesterday   189  (borderline high - target is under 200)

I was so bummed.  I think I've been able to coast off of my exercise for a long time .. but since I've not exercised as much (or as vigorously) in the last 6-9 months ... it is time to face the truth.  I'm out of shape.. both internally and externally. 

So during the cooldown during today's Zumba class - as I was covered in sweat- I felt as if my body was talking to me.. saying "this is what I need, why have you been hurting me, why don't you love me anymore" . I felt overwhelmed with emotion.  I can't really describe why, but it made me cry. I know this sounds hokey... even as I'm typing it, it sounds hokey to me.  Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. Usually I feel energized when I work out, but today I felt emotional.  Today I listened to my body...and I heard what it said....

When I'm down and I feel like giving up.... I whip my hair back and forth

 I love that line.. in Willow's song. At first I thought that song was just another teenie bopper song, but must admit that I really like it.  Especially the line in the title of this post..  I've interpreted this to mean - no matter how I feel, it isn't that bad. Also -- when I'm feeling bad...get to moving:)

So - I'm back in the Seattle area, after spending 20 months in sunny San Diego for a startup that didn't make, we decided the smart thing to do would be to move back to our house and to where I had employment. I'm grateful... because in this economy many are without work. 

I recently started cutting back on my carbs and beefing up my protein intake. I'm following a plan that is outlined in Tim Ferris' Four Hour Body book. It is quite fascinating.. This guy conducted numerous experiments to figure out what really works when it comes to reshaping your body. He asserts that following his plan will result in 20lbs of fat loss in 30 days with only 4 hours of exercise (20 min a day 3X a week). Since I need a bit of a jump start, I'm giving it a try. I'm not necessarily a fan of fad diets, but I think his program is something that can be maintained for life. Here are the basics :

1. Eat no white foods (or anything that could have been white)
2. Do not drink calories (drink loads of water)
3. Stay away from fructose - (this includes all fruit)
4. Have 1 cheat day a week (go crazy)

That's it.

I just completed week one -- and I haven't weighed or measured myself yet, so can't report progress. But it wasn't difficult. Here are the meals I had this week:

Breakfast: Egg white omelet with spinach with beans
Lunch - spinach salad with chicken and tomatoes with beans
Dinner - eggwhite omelet or stir fry with beans
Also Mexican food is especially good with this approach. In particular Chipotle burrito bowls without the rice. Delish and totally good for you

For exercises - he recommend the mother of all exercises as the kettlebell swing. I haven't incorporated that yet because my belongings (including my kettlebell) are still in storage.  But I'm trying to isolate the effects of each component of the plan. I'll do 2 weeks following the plan exactly - weigh and measure. Then I'll add in exercise to understand the incremental effect of the exercise.  The only small complication is that I'm planning on doing The Big Climb in March. This will require quite a bit of training. I'm going to still try to isolate the effects of each tactic.  Results to come soon

Right now....

I have been up since 3:30 am because I couldn't go back to sleep. So I've been working on my book and catching up on news/emails etc.  It is 6:49 and I've been contemplating my workout plans for the last hour. If I wait too late, I won't be able to go.  I've also been thinking about my food plans for the day. So I'm writing it down....

Here is the goal:
Get my butt off of this chair and go downstairs and spin for 30 minutes. Then do 15 minutes of kettlebells.
Eat 1500 calories today and drink 65 oz of water

I feel like getting back in the bed...

Try this for a manifesto

I came across this post on someone else's blog. I read it and thought that it was meant for me.  Love it!

Enough!!!

I'm friggin tired of this!! On again off again..up and down..yo-yo weight gain, weight loss...Too big goals, too small goals... Feeling like it isn't enough. Enough! Enough of all of that. One day / One hour / One minute at a time. Do the best that I can do in the moment. No excuses.

Don't let it get to me....

Have you ever felt that something just wasn't right. Thanks to Oprah we are all encouraged to trust our gut..you know our intuition. Well sometimes it is really really hard. After all, how do trust your gut and go left - when everything is telling you to go right.  I feel like I'm living through that right now.

I've blogged before about how I relocated to San Diego for a job . A few months on the job , I had a sinking feeling that taking the job wasn't the right move. I've been here for about a year and a half and rather than look back and focusing on what I should have done, I've tried to make the best of it. We've had really great weekends and we've really enjoyed the San Diego lifestyle. It is absolutely beautiful and I've been able to really enjoy it.

About 3 weeks ago, I learned that the startup I joined, will be shutting down at the end of this year. I had a feeling it would happen in the next 12-18 months, not the next 3. So now all my efforts are focused on finding an exciting new gig.  The good news is that I have a few options, the bad news is I'm struggling to not get stressed out.

So I've been exercising more - to help deal with the stress. Taking more vitamins to make sure my body is in tip top shape. And I'm making better food choices.  I've done some pretty cool things over the last few weeks. I've gotten back into Bikram Hot Yoga, started going to spin class at the local gym and started taking a weight class.  I've also done my kettleworx workout. I'm trying to keep things interesting by doing  several different things. I am planning to take boxing class too.

It is so easy to fall victim to stress-induced emotional eating and couch potato behaviour. I'm working hard to not let it get to me. 

The future has a past.... or does it

For my book club, we read The Future Has a Past by J. California Cooper.  It is a collection of short stories that tell of love and triumph over unfortunate conditions.  We spent time during our book club meeting discussing the title. "The future has a past"... what did she really mean by that title? We didn't really land on anything profound.

For some reason, that title popped into my head this morning. I started to think about it in the context of moving to a new city and in the context of my fitness journey.  When you move to a new city, people don't know your past, they take you at face value...they take you the way you show up. Whether that is good or bad, fit or fat etc. They don't know your story nor do they care.  In some instances this is good. You get to create whatever you want . You can start fresh and change your old ways. Just start out the way you want to be. In some cases, it is not so good. Since I gained weight, I feel like a shell of my former self. I feel like this current body is on temporary loan and this isn't the real me. The San Diego version of me is so different than the Seattle version of me. The two are very different women...

For me.. my future has a past..and I'm creating it now. The next chapter in my life will more accurately reflect my the true authentic self and I am just discovering who she is. My future will be whatever I want it to be based on what I do now. The tiny little decisions that I make each and everyday are a part of my future. The decision to eat one more serving, the decision to forgo exercising, even tricking myself to believe that I cannot get back to where I was.. All make up part of my future. I am creating the future today.   

Fruit and Kettlebells

This morning I did the week 1 workout from Kettleworx. A friend commented last week that she didn't like the Kettleworx DVD. After doing it for a few days, I can see why.  The exercises are actually good, but the instructor is annoying and the structure of the DVD is ...well insulting. I mean - the entire DVD is made of rearranged slices from  few workout sessions and to make it worse...they are repeated . Sooo you end up watching the same segment twice...same corny jokes..same encouraging words. Really annoying.  That said, the exercises are really good. I'm usually pretty sore the following day. I am still on the 5lb weight. I will move up to the 10lb in a few weeks-- I'm on the lookout for another dvd.

Today's damage:
kettlebell workout 300c

bfast - coffee+creamer 40c
lunch - fruit salad and turkey 430c
dinner - butternut squash soup (I made it and it is fantastic) 280 c
cottage cheese w/pineapples 110c

Spinning to Dexter

Day two with my new bike... and I really love it. I'm making my way through the first season of Dexter and wow what a dark show. Anyway, doing well with food today and as a result managed to have a nice calorie deficit. In the end, no matter how you slice it, losing weight is a math game. It is calories in less calories out. That's it. No funny business, fad diets etc. The diet may help you with food choice or to feel full on lower calories or maybe even give more energy. Whatever the plan, it all comes down to the math. 

So here is my damage:
spinning 1hr = 720c

bfast - coffe + creamer 50c
banana - snack 110 c
lunch - salad (from Panera -- delish strawberry poppyseed salad) 300c
veggie soup (also from Panera) 150
Dinner - Couscous with chicken and broccoli (from Rachel Ray) 500c

My new love..

So I finally bought the spin bike that I've been eyeing for months!! I got a really great deal from Sports Authority - thanks to a $25 savings coupon located here: $25 coupon from sports authority..   Also I have to shout out my hubby who....donated all of his pocket change savings  ($330) to my purchase.  I saw him counting and wrapping coins and asked what he was doing.. he said I'm helping you buy your bike.  What a sweetie. I was feeling guilty for having a gym membership and wanting to buy this bike.. so he made it a no impact purchase with found money!  Thanks babe!

So onto the bike. So I used it today for the first time and it was awesome. It was pretty easy to put together. I needed a little help lifting it and attaching the pedals, but otherwise it was not hard at all. 

I did an hour this morning while watching an old episode of Dexter. I am super happy with my purchase and I'm looking forward to catching up on more shows.

Plus the immediate endorphin rush was great .

Ring the bells!! Kettlebells that is.

A few weeks ago I saw an infommercial for the Kettleworx program - which is a kettlebell program. The creator of the program Ryan Shannahan, promised a great workout in just 20 minutes a day. I've heard of kettelbells but never had a chance to try the workout.  Until now...

I was at Sports Authority, ogling over my latest craving Proform spin bike at sports authority   and I noticed the Kettleworx program. There were 4 different choices of kettle bell weights. I decided to geg the lightest one (5lbs) and then buy heavier kettle bells as I get the hang of it.  

Well - the the 20 minute workout was not easy at all. In fact it was quite hard.I definitely worked up a sweat and it was quite challenging . Needless to say, I will continue to work out with this program.  I'm looking to build up my arms and get rid of the flab. I'll keep you posted.
I'm also planning to buy this spin bike as well...because I plan to catch up on 24 (the show) and I would feel much better watching it while working out.

kickboxing with the little diva

Today , my 12 yo and I went to kickboxing at the local gym. I been in a bit of a rut lately and wanted to try something different.  The class was packed and the music was great.  I got into it....really into it. My daughter on the other hand, had all sorts of excuses on why she needed a break. Of course I told her to suck it up :) and wait until the class was over. She needed to dash out to fix her shoe, then she needed water, then her knee was hurting.. All in all it was still great to take a class with her. I'm so glad we can do that now.  Perhaps next time mama won't show her up:)

What's up?

So it feels like forever since I've blogged. I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching in the last few months.  What I've realized is that there is an inverse relationship between my weight and my happiness. When I am happiest I am thinner and vice versa. Looking at my current weight and the 2009-2010 chapter in my life, I think it is fair to say, I've been pretty unhappy.

What I've learned ....and more importantly , what I'm finally willing to admit:

 

1.I suffer from depression quite often... There I said it. As African-American women, so often we suffer in silence, believing we need to be strong black women.. My mom used to say " I can do bad all by myself, I don't need anyone" . She and others in my family were and are strong black women, who were able to deal with adversity and keep it moving.  I believe, they too suffered in silence.  Well, I decided to get some help....and it is working.  When I'm at my lowest ...food is my best friend. It allows me to continue to suffer in silence without having to talk to anyone. It allows me to continue to listen to others and be a good friend, while not admitting that I am suffering in silence. A grande caramel latte acts as my comfort and soothes me.. without asking any questions.

2.Depression doesn't come from God.... so where does it come from?   So many great scriptures to support my conviction that depression is a part of Satan's plan. Ephesians 6:12, 1Peter 5:8, John 10:10, Gen 3:1...  Bottom line... exercise, prayer and being open are all a part of God's plan.

3. Exercise = my anti depressant. I've written before about my need for exercise why I need exercise and how it helps me. The science supports this. As John Ratey notes in his acclaimed book SPARK, vigorous exercise has been proven to be just as effective as Wellbutrin ( a popular anti-depression medication).

So why have I been unhappy? I'm not sure... but I'm working understanding myself.  I'm working on seeking greater fulfillment in my life- through how I spend my time, greater significance through service, deeper connections to my family, getting the help I need and strengthening my relationship with God. and of course.... continue stop working out.

Sorry but.......

So today I went for a long bike ride with a woman I met a few weeks ago. She is a fellow cub scout mom and wants to get back in shape. She and I got to chatting on a cub scout camping trip and we set a date for walking and a date for a bike ride. I was super excited to have a buddy to go riding with me. I was responsible for scoping out the route....which was easy, because I had something in mind.

This was a tough week..I worked out 5 days this week before work and had been up really late each night at the kids play rehearsal. My body was exhausted but my mind was ready. I got up, prepped my bike and I was ready to go.

I met my friend about 1/2 mile from my house and we set off.  It was a beautiful morning..a bit overcast but beautiful nonetheless.  About 3 miles in,  we started up a killer hill. It was tough , but I could handle it. My friend struggled so I doubled back to walk with up the hill with her. In the end, she made it but walked all the hills. We ended up riding about 15 miles... with about 4 really good hills.

It felt so great to be back out again and on a really challenging ride. It didn't feel great to go on a ride that was perhaps too aggressive for my friend. I'll find a few less challenging rides for the two of us...or Maybe I will stick to walking with her and get in a few good solo bike rides..   Better yet, I may just join a riding club.

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help

If it must be done...do it but why make it unpleasant

So I had a good friend visiting with me this week..and it was fantastic. She is the type of person that makes me feel comfortable and allows me to be myself. So I was sharing my frustration with running - (she, by the way is very fit and fabulous) and she said - Why do you do it if you don't like it?  hmm.. great question.  Well because I want to be better? "But why?" - she asked again?  Because ...I really  I told her that the reason I want to become a better runner is because I am not a great runner and I want to be better. The fact that I am not great is what is driving me to do more.  She said that was a little rebellious answer.  I thought about it and I have to agree with her. I am fighting against what I do well (cycling)...  I have knee issues, now ankle issues, but yet I still get out there and try to act like a runner.

Leave it to Di to have challenge my thinking...

My epiphany this week, was that I don't have to suffer so much. I found a way to run but not hurt Here is what I've done 3 times this week... I've gone to this  great park near my house and I run walk 2.5 times around (which is roughly 3 miles)... I alternate running and walking between the lamp posts. I'm not sure why this works for me but... I like it. The distances are really short ..like 1000 feet. So I run walk every 30 seconds. It looks a little crazy I bet, but it is working for me. Eventually, I'll run 3 walk 1 , etc.  If It must be done, I can at least make it less unpleasant....